This must be one of the hardest blogs I decided to write. I have sat for weeks deciding what to write because it is such a sensitive subject. What makes this harder is I have never experienced a baby born sleeping. As I sit reading through all the other blogs on this subject I put pressure on myself to do these families justice. To hopefully raise awareness of an issue that people may avoid bringing up to someone who has experienced it before.
I write this blog in memory of my cousins baby Danny Alexander Crawford. My cousin and I had been pregnant at the same time in 2009 and she sadly miscarried the baby. I felt a massive heartache as I went on and delivered a healthy baby boy so when she fell pregnant again I was so excited for her. She had suffered miscarriages in the past and as her pregnancy progressed we had no reason to believe there would be anything wrong this time round.
In the UK around 15 babies die before, during or soon after birth. Thats one in every 227 and every 90 minutes a family is left with the devastating impact of losing their baby. This was one of the reasons for me highlighting this issue. Sands (stillbirth and neonatal death charity) research confirmed that although the number of stillbirths in the UK is falling we still have one of the highest rates in the developed world and we still don't know why.
Danny Alexander was born on 28/11/2010 at 05:31 weighing a healthy 7lbs 9. Ashley recalls having a fairly normal pregnancy, she was sick for the first 12 weeks and even beyond but she was happy and blooming. She had a healthy glow about her as she waited for the arrival of her newborn. She craved normal stuff and enjoyed crushing ice. At 37 weeks she had her last check up with the midwife and everything had been recorded as normal. Ashley remembered bumping into a friend who who had expressed concern for not feeling any movement, her friend was sent to hospital for a checkup and Ashley went home to pack some more of Danny Alexanders clothes into his drawers for him arriving.
It was a Thursday night and Ashley was aware that she hadn't felt any movement from her baby so she decided to have a bath as he would always kick when the water trickled on her tummy, but there was no movement. She went to bed that night thinking about the conversation she had had with her friend and never slept very well so she decided to go to the hospital for a check up. She was scanned with a junior and the girl was confused as to what was going on so they had to request another nurse come in. Eventually a doctor came in to give Ashley the terrible news that there was no heartbeat. She remembers her mum being hysterical and she herself was very calm. I can only imagine at that time she wouldn't be quite aware of what was actually going on. This would all be so surreal, like being in a nightmare that you wake up from. Her husband and dad arrived at the hospital to support her along with her mum and they all just felt numb. Life was damaged beyond repair.
Kickscount.org provide information on your babies movements and even have wristbands that help you track your babies movements. A reduction in your babies movements can be a sign that something is wrong and women are urged to contact their midwife if they are concerned.
It is very difficult for a parent to process the idea of delivering a baby born sleeping and often find themselves in a state of shock not really aware of the events that unfold. Ashley remembers feeling really scared and asking to be put to sleep for the process however I can only imagine the process of delivery aides grieving as Ashley delivered Danny Alexander she states that the fear left and only unconditional love remained. She tried to google reasons for stillbirth but as lots of other mothers before her she still feels these are questions she may never know the answer to. In 2018 the NHS England stated that they believed 600 stillbirths a year could be prevented if maternity units followed best practice guidelines. In 2017 3,200 babies were stillborn which meant Croatia, Poland and Czech Republic all had better stillbirth rates than the UK.
One thing she did know was how perfect her son was. So beautiful with lots dark hair and looking just like his dad. Some women feel anxious and scared at the prospect of holding there baby when they are stillborn and this is normal One of the issues facing mother to babies born sleeping is the delivery next to live births. Hearing other women deliver healthy babies is hard to bear and the time of Danny Alexander's birth there was no option of a cold cot to use. A cold cot, often called a cuddle cot, is a cot that allows parents to spend more time with their babies after birth giving them extra time by regulating the temperature. Ashley spent 4 days in hospital with Danny Alexander as her husband and dad started to arrange the funeral. When Ashley went into labour with Danny it had snowed until he arrived and then stopped. I remember the minister telling us on the day of the funeral that Ashley had hoped it would snow as a sign Danny Alexander was watching over them. There was so many people there to support Ashley and Danny that day in a way everyone was feeling their grief, a community united with family and friends and as we all arrived at the grave side the snow just started to fall. If there ever was a sign Danny Alexander had sent it.
Ashley made the decision to pass on having a post mortem done as there was a high chance it would come back inconclusive and she wanted Danny to remain as perfect as the day he was born. She was given leaflets for SANDS (stillbirth and neonatal death charity) Many women report feeling alone after stillbirth, they could be in a room full of people and still feel alone. How can anyone understand what they are feeling. Your body has gone through a massive change and the shock and coming to terms with this can leave them feeling anger, guilt and anguish. Ashley's husband Danny was a big quiet man and he done so well holding things together for them both, she remembers him being a massive support in a time when she was falling apart.
The year after Danny Alexander was born sleeping Ashley and Danny found they where expecting again. Ashley remembers feeling in shock and disbelief as it wasn't a planned pregnancy and all the feelings of anxiety creeped back in. She spent her full pregnancy worrying as did everyone around her however she went on to deliver a healthy baby boy at 37 weeks on the 23rd November by c section the following year, so close to Danny Alexanders anniversary and they named him Bradley, he was Ashley's saviour. They went on to have a daughter Milly in 2015 and she recalls feeling the same anxiety as before if not a little worse.
They are a loving family of 5 now Danny Alexander in heaven and the kids know all about their big brother. They often help to keep his place or rest tidy and like to tell people of their big brother looking over them especially when they see the snow.
In loving memory of Danny Alexander Crawford.
If anyone needs any support in relation to this post contact any of the links below.
SANDS
helpline@sands.org.uk
Helpline: 0808 164 3332
Tommys.org
Phone 0800 0147 800